Inbetween Dark and Light
by China Dolly
Summary: Spencer Reid has been through a lot in life and sometimes it is hard to see the good in the world. 5 drabbles about Spencer's journey from the darkness within him to the light besides him.
1. Darkness

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds

Darkness.

It is a thing that scares a lot of people, most of whom are little children.

It scares people because it is able to hide things from sight. And not being able to see, thus being unable to recognize a dangerous situation in the opinion of some, is a frightening thing to beings that base their entire awake life on things they see.

But what hides in the dark one is afraid of?

Because a serial-killer with a raised knife ready to strike if you so much as breathe isn't besides everyone's bed. In fact, there is only a small percentage of persons who have ever awakened to such a view and most of those people are still alive.

Those people are afraid in the dark too. But they have a justified reason for their fear, as do children for if they believe in the Tooth-fairy and Santa Claus, monsters hiding underneath the bed are also a big part of their reality.

But there are other people, people like Spencer Reid, who should know better but still fear the dark, if only slightly.

What is their reason for being afraid?

To some it is the aftermath of watching a horror-movie. But if it is, the fear only lasts a night.

For others, and Reid is one of those persons, it are the memories that one is forced to face when not being able to look at anything. To Spencer, it are the memories of his childhood and the faces of the murders he hunts and the victims he mourns together with the BAU.

They are what keep him awake at night, his own thoughts frightening him sometimes and because of that the dark is something he fears. It forces him to think about the things he wants to bury, the memories he wishes to forget.

But it is not just that.

Because fear of the dark is, to Spencer, also brought forward by an extreme longing.

A longing not to be alone.

He has been alone for so long in his life that it pains him. No-one to fully trust and no-one to confine in when coming home to another empty apartment after a horrifying mission. Over and over again.

And with the television on or the radio turned on loud he can forget he is alone. He can pretend he isn't a loner and if he was, that he doesn't mind. Because he is Spencer Reid, the smart guy, the nerd and the one who can handle things on his own. Because he has his brain.

Many tend to forget though that without a heart, the brain does not work.

And Reid's heart is calling for someone, anyone. Because he isn't in love, doesn't necessarily want to be.

All he wants is for someone to lay beside him, to break the silence.

Because the silence that ensues when he lays in bed, lays in the dark, is a constant reminder of his loneliness. Of how he isn't desired in the way JJ is by her husband, how he doesn't have the looks to attract whomever like Morgan can and that he hasn't got the luck Garcia has for attracting such a terrific man.

No, he is Spencer Reid and he lays alone in the dark every night. Haunted by his memories and constantly reminded he should be strong, because he is on his own.

He has gotten used by it, by the loneliness and the memories.

But that doesn't mean he treasures the moments in which he is not alone. Because getting used to something is not the same as accepting it, as wanting things to be the way they are.

A smile graces his lips.

It is in moments like these, on a case where he shares a room with Derek Morgan, that he feels truly content and happy.

He is not alone, Morgan's soft snoring ensures him of that. And that sound, even though may would find it annoying, that sound is like heaven on earth to Reid.

Because even though he doesn't sleep much since the nightmares still haunt him, he can now lay in the dark and not be afraid.

Because Morgan is with him.

**The End**


	2. Starlight

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds

It is dark outside.

The road the big, black SUV drives on towards Quantico, to home, is basked in darkness, only lit by the yellow light of the head-lights of the car.

Who knew what was out there? This late at night, animals are sure to roam around but Reid knows it are not only animals that are to be found in these dark woods this night.

Somewhere in that darkness, hiding between trees that seemed to stare at passers-by and the leaves rustling almost eerily because of the slight breeze that danced through the air that night, lays the body of a dead girl.

She is missed by her family and friends, murdered by a man who showed no compassion, no remorse and would not give up the location of her body in exchange for a deal in court. Her parents would take years to recover. Would probably never find proper closure until her dead, decaying body was found and buried to decay even further yet this time in the confines of a coffin with a gravestone that allows her family to visit the corpse of what was once their lovely girl.

A shiver, cold and haunting, courses through Spencer Reid's body and he turns his gaze away from the woods, instead staring up at the night-sky through the front window.

He swallows once and for only a moment closes his eyes.

This hadn't been the most disastrous and horrific case they had ever dealt with, by far even. But the fact the girl's body wasn't found grasped at Reid.

Because this girl was missed and the search for her remains would continue until they were found. But there were so many persons who wouldn't be looked for and it made him wonder.

If he were to die would he be missed?

How long would it take for someone to find his dead body, who would care enough to pay for a funeral and who would cry if he were to die?

"Hey kid, you okay?"

Morgan's voice, calm and husky as always but laced with the littlest bit of worry this time, carries through the air.

Reid opens his eyes and turns his head, watching the man that is driving the car, bringing them home. "I'm fine." He answers softly, almost doubtful.

He sweeps his gaze back to the air and he watches the stars, silence yet again falling like a blanket over them although somewhat uncomfortably.

It is a beautiful night with a pitch-black sky and stars shining both brightly and dimmed.

Stars, to Reid, are like little dots of hope painted onto a black canvas that will forever stay black while the stars disappear, one by one.

Hope is a thing all persons are born with but some lose their hope due to events occurring in their lives. Reid has lost a lot of hope in his life and fears every day that he might lose a bit more.

He doesn't want to but it is not a thing he can do something about. Because hope is a thing you place in others, almost like trust. And thus it are others and their actions that either flare or destroy hope.

Spencer has tried, throughout the years, not to place hope in others anymore because he is afraid for more disappointment, more hope shattered and another star fading from his black canvas, the darkness that is within everyone.

Suddenly, to Reid's utter delight, the silence is broken when Morgan says: "You don't look fine to me."

His tone is truly worried this time and Spencer smiles when he catches the other man stealing glances at him.

He then smiles, this time the affectionate and happy quirk of his lips reaching his eyes which shine slightly, and says: "No, I'm sure I'm fine now."

When Morgan sees the brightening of Reid's expression his lips quirk up in a small smile. "Good." He mutters, the words meant for himself but spoken out loud nonetheless.

Reid smiles and turns his head back to the window and he resumes watching the stars, a peaceful silence settling between them and he can't help but feel content.

Because there is one person that always keeps up Spencer's hope, that there is good and that there are people that care.

And thus far, Derek Morgan's star has not once even dimmed slightly.

**The End**


	3. Moonlight

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds

It is still dark when they arrive at Quantico.

With a sigh Reid steps out of the car and closes the door, leaning against it while allowing a sigh to pass his lips.

He turns to look to his left just in time to see Hotch's car pull up behind the SUV he just vacated and he turns back to watch the sky.

His back aches from having sat in the car seat for such a long time but such is the tedious adventitious circumstance one has to suffer through when having a case which is only a five hour car-drive away from Quantico. Because taking the jet for that would, even in their case, be completely ridiculous.

By now the stars have dimmed some and the moon stands high in the sky, casting the world around him in a white and blue glow.

He hears Morgan getting out of the car and turns to watch the man as he rounds the vehicle. "Did Prentiss wake up?" He asks, trying to make friendly conversation.

Morgan chuckles and pushes his hips against Spencer's, ushering him to move to the side so he too can lean against the door. "Yes, she did." He answers.

"You two should head home." Hotch's voice reaches his ears and Reid turns to look at his boss. He looks tired, probably from hunting down the killer and then driving home all in one day and Spencer presses his lips together, not answering Aaron's question.

Truth is, he doesn't have a car at the moment and by now it was so late he couldn't actually take the bus. But he always felt bad for asking others to drive him home, have them go through the trouble of taking another route home just because he couldn't just be normal for once and buy himself a car.

"I forgot something inside, after that I'll be off." He tells Hotch with a small smile, the lie falling off of his lips so easily he even astonishes himself.

Hotch raises an eyebrow at his answer but Reid thinks his boss is too tired to argue with him tonight. "Just be sure to get some rest." Hotch says.

Reid nods and slowly starts to walk towards the entrance of the office.

Before he enters the building he stands still and turns to look at the moon again.

The moon truly is a light that brings light to the darkness of the night. It shines a constant glow across the face of the earth and makes the dark corners just the littlest bit lighter.

The moon is the reason that sometimes, after a hard or emotionally difficult case, Reid sleeps with his curtains open. Because the light of the moon ensures that his room is a little less dark and he can watch the shadows of the tree in front of his window on his wall.

It allows him to lay in bed, to give his body the rest it needs, without too much thoughts and fears coming to his mind.

Yet sometimes cloud drift through the air, obscuring the light of the moon and in those moments Reid shivers underneath his blankets, fearful of the dark as a little child.

A sigh passes his lips.

Tonight the sky is void of clouds and he would be so happy to lie in his bed. All the dimmed moonlight he could wish for after a case that has left him wondering his own death.

But he has no ride home, refuses to ask Morgan again, because the man always drives him home. And no matter how much he may care for Morgan, no matter how much he relies on the man to keep him safe sometimes, tonight he does not feel like invading on Derek's free time.

So he'll spend tonight at the BAU, behind his desk for walking home would take hours. And he wishes he wouldn't have to do that and he vows silently to go buy himself a car in the near future.

"Hey, Pretty Boy?"

Morgan's calling out to him and Reid turns, bewildered for he thought the man had already left for the night.

"Don't pretend to have a ride home while it's obvious you don't have one." Morgan says with a small glare. A softer look then crosses the man's features and Morgan continues: "I might not want to drive to the other side of town but I've got a spare bedroom and hot chocolate at my place."

Reid feels his heart flutter at the offer, at the prospect of actually sleeping in a bed tonight and having Morgan care for him that much. "A-ah, well –"

"Get in the car, Spencer." Morgan says, smiling.

Reid blinks, surprised Morgan is actually using his first name and he wordlessly walks towards Morgan.

The man smirks and reaches out to ruffle Spencer's hair, saying: "Can't let you spend the night on your own at your desk, Kid."

With a small smile Reid walks to Morgan's car, both men silent.

And when Reid steps in the car and looks at the moon one last time he realizes that tonight it could be dark for all he had cared.

Because he would be spending the night with Morgan. And even though he would be sleeping in a different room, in a different bed, it was enough. Because Morgan's light shone so much brighter than that of the moon.

**The End**


	4. Dawn

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds

Dawn is always a moment of relief and happiness to Spencer.

It is usually the time during which he awakens for he is a light sleeper and he only needs the tiniest bit of light in combination of waking birds who greet the world while warbling cheerfully yet loudly to rouse him from his sleep.

He has to admit he is slightly surprised he actually slept at all last night, considering how he isn't even at his own place. Then again, his own apartment is what holds the memories that make the darkness almost unbearable.

It is all just a psychological issue. He knows that just like he knows if he truly wants to get rid of it there are means to do so. But he also knows that it is even harder to trust someone else when all you have had for a long time is yourself.

And he knows, that if only he allows his feelings to reach the surface instead of always letting them drown in the sea that is his past, that he could be truly happy. That he is the only one that is withholding a happily ever after from himself.

And perhaps, he thinks while the first rays of sun filter into the room through the white curtains that Morgan insisted were drawn close, perhaps it is a way of punishing himself.

He had been selfish a long time and now the guilt of the selfishness is slowly eating away at him and he lets it by not grabbing the chances for a happy life as they present themselves on a silver platter.

Because he knows what happiness looks like and he knows exactly where to find it.

But happiness is also a frail thing and sometimes it is like the dawn. Sudden in rising and quick to disappear, overtaken by a blinding light and afterwards dimmed by darkness.

And he is afraid of that too. That the moment he allows happiness to enter his life it will be taken away from him again.

And he knows it is stupid and silly to think that and also realizes that the guilt he feels is unjustified because deep down he agrees with himself he did the right thing for both his mother and himself.

Suddenly a soft whining noise disturbs his slumber and he closes his eyes for a second to allow a sigh to pass his thin lips.

He then opens his eyes again, the room basking in the rising light of the sun and slowly pushes himself up, the blanket pooling in his lap and he yawns.

He brushes is ruffled hair out of his face with his hands and when he steps out of the bed he stretches himself to allow his muscles to move again.

A nudge against his knee alerts him and he looks down with a tired smile. "Morning Clooney." He mutters and pats the dogs head a few times.

He then makes his way to the bathroom and splashes water in his pale face, the bags under his eyes are dark as always and he realizes he truly is sleeping too little.

He swallows and looks down to the water running from the tap. He tries to smile but his lips won't quite lift the way he is trying to force them to and even though he should be happy, because he now understands he needs to grab his happiness, he is scared. So very scared.

He is already listing all the things that could go wrong and he tries to force them down, tries not to think about them for he truly shouldn't feel like this.

He needs to start taking better care of himself. Allow his body to rest and his mind to sleep and there is only one way he knows he is able to get that done.

He turns off the water and licks his lips, raising his eyes again and he watches himself in the mirror for a few seconds.

This, he decides, is the last time he will meet the ghost that is his mirror image. Because after this morning, he wants the person in the mirror to be smiling.

Because he fears that if that doesn't happen soon, there won't even be a ghost to look at anymore.

He leans against the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest and he is smiling.

He has always known that this was his true home, that here is where his actual happiness lies.

But fear is a strange thing, rejection perhaps even crueller and guilt can eat at you from the inside.

But the fact that he actually slept last night is enough proof to him. The fact he is now feeling his entire body overwhelmed with a feeling of love he is unknown to yet has known for such a long time tells him he should've done this ages before now.

But that is all in the past. Doubts are not there anymore and when the person on the bed stirs, turning awkwardly under the sheets and rubbing his eyes with a frown, muttering drowsily: "Reid, that you?" Spencer knows this is it.

This is man in the bed looking at him is it.

Derek Morgan is his happiness.

**The End**


	5. Light

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds

The coffee-machine is grumbling and huffing, puffs of hot air coming out from the top of it while it is making the dark goodness Spencer believes he can't live without.

Rays of sunlight filter into the room and Reid is watching the purple sky turning blue through the kitchen window, Clooney nestled against his legs comfortably while he's patting the dog's head.

Morgan is still in bed, lazing the day away in his peaceful slumber.

But Spencer couldn't go to bed, couldn't rest anymore for he is so very nervous.

And even though normally day time is comforting to him, the light brightening his dark moods during the night considerably, it is not as comforting as it usually is now.

The fact that he hasn't said a thing to Derek when standing in his doorway and merely allowed the man to go back to sleep did not mean he isn't still thinking of telling Morgan of his feelings.

It is what makes him nervous and somewhere, in the back of his mind, he fears that the moment he wants to speak he will chicken out.

He is silly for that, a fool for even thinking such a thing because if there is one thing obvious, it is that Morgan returns his feelings.

Because Spencer feels the heated gazes directed at him when Derek thinks he isn't paying attention. He notices the way Morgan's arm is laid around his shoulders is tighter than it used to be, gentler too. He knows too that nowadays he spends more and more nights at Morgan's house and that it is not him that's asking, but Derek that's inviting him over and over again. And he notices that Morgan is more considerate of him, opens up to him and it shows Spencer he is trusted a lot.

Because Derek Morgan doesn't trust a lot of people, doesn't tell a lot of people about what he's been through and how he really feels. It is why he doesn't commit to one person, why he is such a ladies-man.

But Spencer has noticed that Morgan doesn't go out as much as he used to anymore. That he stays home more nowadays and doesn't talk about his escapades with another randomly picked lady.

And he knows it is because Morgan cares for him that it is that the man doesn't do those things anymore. Because it is what Derek's eyes tell him every time their eyes catch. And every time, it is Spencer that turns away even though he loves Morgan, so very much.

A soft sigh passes his lips and he berates himself in silence for being as he is. Because he is so afraid that love doesn't win it all. That Derek will realize his feelings have changed and that Spencer isn't right for him after all.

"The coffee's ready."

Spencer startles when Morgan's husky voice reaches his ears and he turns around quickly to watch the man that stands in the doorway.

He then looks to the coffee machine. "Oh," he mutters.

"So what has your genius mind so riled up you didn't notice?" Derek asks teasingly and walks into the kitchen, stretching his arms above his head and yawning.

Spencer watches as Morgan makes them both coffee, his own mug full and Spencer's half-full to fill the rest up with sugar.

And he takes a deep breath, deciding that this is the image he wants to be able to see every morning. He wants to rest his body besides Derek and feel comfortable, he wants to be able to finally be happy and his stupid trust issue is not going to stop him.

Because if Morgan truly loves him, they'll figure it out.

"Morgan," his voice is a whisper, raw with emotion and Derek stills what he's doing and turns around with a worried expression.

Spencer reaches up and hugs himself, smiling slightly and turning his head away, unable to look Morgan in the eyes because of the nerves that are eating at him. "I know, Derek."

Morgan blinks and with a thoughtful expression asks in a soft voice: "Know what, Reid?"

Reid fumbles his shirt with his fingers and licks his lips. Why couldn't Morgan just understand right away what he was talking about?

He takes a breath and whispers: "About your feelings."

Morgan blinks once, maybe twice but Spencer isn't really paying attention, and then takes a few steps forward, effectively closing the distance between their bodies.

Spencer is now trapped in-between Morgan and the kitchen counter and he can only smile when Morgan's strong hand cups his cheek gently.

"Do you, now?" Derek asks, his eyes searching for Spencer's brown ones and his thumb slowly caressing Reid's cheek affectionately. He then smirks and teasingly says: "Took you long enough."

"A-ah," Reid stutters and averts his eyes while his cheeks stain a beautiful pink. "I... I've known longer." He mutters.

"Hey, pretty boy, look at me." Morgan says and hesitantly Spencer turns his head so he is now looking at Derek. "Don't drop a bomb like that and back out."

Reid licks his lips. "Sorry."

Morgan chuckles. "It's who you are." And then the laughter dies on his lips and all that's left is a serious expression and eyes that shine with both affection and confusion. "Why are you bringing it up, Reid? Tell me before I get my hopes unnecessarily." He asks.

Reid's breath hitches and he swallows. He suddenly realizes, from Derek's expression and his words, how much he has actually hurt the man with his selfish idea that this relationship could not work.

"I – I... Mor- no, Derek," Reid stutters and sighs in frustration when he can't get the right words out. He licks his lips and closes his eyes, hoping it would make this easier to him because he is so foreign to this kind of situation.

"I have trust issues. I always come second place, not in knowledge but in people's hearts and it created a fear within me that has me thinking everyone will leave me eventually. My father, my mother and Gideon. I can't help it. And I saw, knew that you loved me but I was scared. Because you'll realize too that I'm just second and... and I couldn't take that. Didn't want that."

Spencer takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, tears threatening to fall yet he still smiles. "You're my happiness, Derek." He whispers softly. "Just... try not to leave me too." He finishes in a mutter and wants to turn his head away again but suddenly Morgan's hand is on his chin, preventing that from happening.

"Spencer," Morgan's voice is soft, barely a whisper and he presses a soft, quick kiss against Reid's lips. "I love you, pretty boy. I'm not planning on ever leaving you."

Reid lifts his eyes until they meet with Morgan's and he smiles almost shyly. "Thank you." He murmurs happily.

"Hmm, you've got nothing else to say?" Morgan asks and presses another teasing kiss against Spencer's lips before pulling away again with a smirk playing on his lips.

Reid's eyes close when supple lips touch his and he frowns in confusion when Morgan pulls away again. He then opens his eyes and almost awkwardly says: "I love you too?"

"Aah," Derek sighs and his breath ghosts across Spencer's lips when he speaks. "That's more like it."

He then leans forward and Reid finds himself falling in love all over again when those lips move against his, delve him into a love that is so overwhelming his knees buckle and he grasps Derek's arms almost possessively.

And while he keeps on falling deeper and deeper in both love and lust he realizes that he has found it.

Derek Morgan, his happiness, the light in his darkness.

**The End (really, now it's finished)**


End file.
